The Blankets Were The Stairs

CAUTION: CONTAINS WANK.

Twitter is an easy target. A week doesn't go by without someone making a snarky comment about the social network. Whether it is:

- A random old person in the street

- A newspaper Op/Ed columnist (technically the same as above)

- Someone on Facebook (!)

- During the "Best of Social Media" segment on the late news (!!)

- A TV Child Psychologist on the televisual rat’s nest that is Today Tonight/ACA

- Shouted from an apartment as you walk a dog.

There is no dearth of uninformed opinion being expelled from the mouths and fingers of moronic Crum Bums who don't understand what Twitter is.

Twitter is a blanket. It is a vast amorphous patchwork quilt of thoughts and people and ideas and ideologies. All you have to do is stitch the right squares together and wrap yourself up in it to feel its warmth. Like to have an itch to scratch? Sew in some scratchy material - like the stuff Xmas jumpers from Grandma are made from - to rub against. Sure there will always be those who try to sew their odd-smelling damp rag of a patch into your blanky but that can be fixed with judicious use of the block button, which in this metaphor is, I dunno, one of those thread unpicker things? Block and replace with parody felt or squares with pretty but nonsensical horses on them.

And take your blanket with you - pretend you're Linus or Arthur Dent*, always have it on you. Pull it out when you're cold or bored or when in need of an argument (though not Abuse, that's a different room) or a distraction. Do it, it's fun.

Twitter, when used correctly is warm and makes you a better person - it's like The Fonz's jacket or, for a more topical reference it's like... Fonzy's jacket. (Did you ever see a Happy Days where Arthur didn't have the jacket? He's like a more evil version of Bob from Twin Peaks or for a more topical reference, Voldemort. Now, imagine if the villain in Harry Potter was Bob.)

But Twitter is also another country. Get directions. You don't heli-drop into the Hungarian highlands without some kind of guide (unless you're Wesley Snipes, but chances are you're not. If you are reading this, Wesley, I hope you have your blanket with you. It may even be a tax write-off, if you're into that kind of thing). It has its own customs and vernacular that may be difficult to grasp at first - which can make it seem cold. Thankfully the locals speak your language and are mostly nice and know how to sew -they will help if asked, they will tell you who to follow (#FF) and they will point out the damp rags.

Join me next week when I compare tumblr to a tumble dryer (get it?)

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*: Yes, Dent had a towel not a blanket whatevs.